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since 1997"
Lyle Zapato

A Decade Of ZPi

Lyle Zapato | 2007-01-05.2610 LMT | Announcement | Site

2007 marks the 10th anniversary of the ZPi website. That's right, we've been serving the paranoid for a decade!

This site first appeared on the World Wide Web sometime in the year 1997. I've unfortunately forgotten the exact date, although it was actually later in the year. For the sake of convenience (and to dilute the overwhelming momentousness of the occasion by spreading it out over 12 months) we'll just call all of 2007 The Anniversary.

A brief history of the site, particularly points not recorded elsewhere, is in order:

ZPi itself originated in 1995 with the release of MindGuard for the Amiga. During that time I wasn't yet on the Internet, choosing instead to spread paranoia via various Cascadian BBSs -- then the most paranoid form of communication next to CB radio.

I also went through a number of organizational names, including "Lyle Zapato Product Development International", "Zapato Development And Haberdashery", and "Deborah".

MindGuard was but one of a number of products I was working on at the time. For your historical amusement, here's a combined list (from lists originally posted on a BBS, recently dug up off of an old 3½" floppy) of some products in development from late 1995 to early 1996, none of which, for various reasons, saw the light of day:

* SOFTWARE

  - MrGene: [An interface program for the Kortech P350 & P700 Personal DNA Sequencers] Still in development stages. I'm sorry for how long it is taking to bring this product to release, but you have to understand, every time I test the damn thing I need to put on a hazmat suit as the bugs in it keep causing unknown strains of botulism and e-coli. I think this is being caused by an integer to pointer conversion error but I can't track it down. Until I get this problem fixed, it would be unethical (and most likely litigable,) for me to release MrGene.

* RELIGIOUS/DEVOTIONAL

  - Whirling Dervish Whirl-O-Meter: Allows you to keep track of how many times you whirl around as well as average whirl speed. Stylish and comfortable device fits around your waist and uses proven inferred technology found in many household electronics. Deluxe model will come with a Whirl Calculator that can be used to find your optimal whirling speed for trance initiation.

* LITERATURE

  - Tapes in Book: With the popularity of books on tape, I've decided to explore the possibilities of related markets, namely the converting of tapes to books. The first tape that will be converted into convenient book form will be "Sounds of the Rainforest", a lovely tape that features high-quality true-stereo recordings of an Amazonian rainforest. The book form will feature accurate descriptions of every bird call, monkey howl, and rain drop and will be written by a real paid writer. I am also considering a book on tape version of the tape in book version of "Sounds of the Rainforest" that will feature James Earl Jones reading the descriptions of the rainforest sounds. This may be joined later by a video of James Earl Jones reading the descriptions of rainforest sounds in an actual rainforest. I may then tie the whole thing together by releasing a Video in Book version of the video that will feature accurate descriptions of James Earl Jones reading the tape in book version of the "Sounds of the Rainforest" in a rainforest, and will come with a CD-ROM that shows the making of all the books, tapes, and videos aforementioned and also includes a MPEG video of the making of the CD-ROM itself, the Video in Book description of which will be in the last chapter of the book.

* FOOD PRODUCTS

  - Cap'n Chuck's Briny Breakfast Bits: "The first presalted kid's breakfast cereal. Mouth puckering puffed wheat in four colorful maritime shapes: Scary Shark, Abyssal Anchor, Silly Sea Anemone, & Gastropodious Geoduck. Vitamin C enriched for extra scurvy protection." Kelloggs and General Mills haven't returned any of my calls.

Realizing my product line was lacking focus, I changed my organizational name one last time to "Zapato Productions intradimensional" ("ZPi" for short) and narrowed the focus to within the dimension of paranoia. Note that I was using a lower-case "i" -- next to an upper-case "P", no less! -- a full four years (and change) before Apple made it fashionable with trendy hipster wannabes. I feel like Xerox PARC!

When I eventually attacked the Internet, the first beachhead I established was an official homepage for MindGuard, offering a basic pitch and free download -- a rudimentary, one-page site with a tacky design that quickly went offline as I planned a more extensive ZPi Internet presence.

Ye Olde Logoe
One of the original ZPi logos. Beware its psioptic blinking.

That presence arrived in late 1997 and was hosted on Tripod (chosen because it was at the time less obnoxious than Geocities). My Tripod member name, and consequently part of the URL, was "zoam", which I had been using as an email name for a while, for reasons that escape me. (For you ZPi completists, visit zoam.tripod.com and see a page from 2000 redirecting people to the then-new site.)

The very first version of the site has been lost, but I know it included MindGuard, information about the AFDB (which was originally contained within the MindGuard documentation), and the Truth about Belgium. By 1998, the site included a large percentage of what it does today (which you can either take as my being forward thinking or lazy since then), as can be seen in this cached version from December 2, 1998 (the oldest version the Internet Archive has).

In May of 2000, ZPi moved from the advert-laden, PHPless servers of Tripod to space generously donated by Alan Clegg. This move necessitated a proper domain name: zapatopi.net, chosen mainly because "zpi" was already taken for all TLDs.

Forced by this lack of available three-letter URLs to expand the first word of the abbreviation (the alternatives -- "zproductionsi", "zpintradimensional", "zapato­productions­intradimensional", etc. -- deemed too long and/or ugly), serendipity struck and a new logo/mascot/unifying-motif was backformed: "Zapato" + "Octopi" = "Zapatopi", an octopus wearing shoes.

Brushed metal?
One of the first Zapatopi logos used in the site masthead.

This tied in nicely with my work protecting the endangered Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, plus it put me in the vanguard of the current popularity of cephalopodan themes at a time when everything hip was penguins (Hollywood, with its turning radius of a diplodocus, can only play catch-up).

Of course, this URL did have some downsides: people kept mispronouncing it "zap-uh-toe-pee" or thinking my name was "Mr. Zapatopi", but I was willing to live with these minor annoyances.

Over the years there have been many changes and developments: the addition of a blog in 2004; the publishing of the AFDB book in 2002; the off-handed introduction of the Dactyl Fractal, which now consumes most of the site's bandwidth in an ever-spiraling bid for total memetic hegemony. But, through it all, the paranoia remained constant. Maybe a little too constant. Suspiciously constant...

I would like to thank all the people who contributed to -- or conspired on -- this site: Alan; "Commando" from the BBS days; the many people who've sent in things that I have posted, freeing me from having to create original content myself; guestbook signers; everyone who bought the AFDB book (all seven of you); people who've emailed me but whom I haven't gotten around to responding to yet, only it's been so long now that it'd be too awkward to write back, so their emails just sit in my inbox, judging me; and anyone else I forgot.

Having been around for a decade, the site, especially those parts in which my interest has waned, has accumulated some cruft: archaic web design, outdated references, dead links. There were also things that I planned on doing or adding but never finished. Over the coming year I'll try to revisit all areas of the site and either update or, in some cases, rewrite them. Hopefully this renovation will enable the site live for another 10 years -- or at least until the world as we know it ends on December 21, 2012 with the return of the periodical Quetzalcoatlus armada.

Until then, trust no one (except ZPi).

Lyle Zapato

Thujoctopus pilosa

Lyle Zapato | 2006-12-29.1710 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Crass Commercialism | Letters

Newly added to the Tree Octopus sightings: Marc L. sent in a photo of a rare tree octopus that specializes in redcedar:

Here is a rare and endangered Cephalopod Thuja Pilcata or locally known as the Western Red Cedar Climbing Octopus. You don't see one of these babies everyday!! Especially this far inland!!

Emacs!


Photo detail enhanced using advanced ZPi cephalopod-image processing
technology.

Marc has his names a bit confused, which is understandable given the esoteric nature of tree octopus cladistics. Thuja plicata is actually the scientific name for the Western Redcedar tree that this octopus calls home. The correct binomial for the octopus itself is Thujoctopus pilosa, named for the lush coating of bluish velvet that it evolved to help retain moisture as it migrated deep inland from its ancestral Pacific home. Unfortunately, this notable trait led to its current rarity.

Originally considered a cheaper domestic alternative to fine velvets imported from Italy or Kashmir, redcedar octopus pelts became popular in the early to mid 20th century with a growing North American middle-class desperate for luxury goods. In particular, evening dresses made entirely of undyed T. pilosa pelts became such a fixture during the post-war period that they were immortalized in the song "Blue Velvet" -- made a hit in 1951 by Tony Bennett and again in the 1960s by Bobby Vinton.

(The song also featured prominently in the 1986 film "Blue Velvet" by director and animal lover David Lynch, who considered it emblematic of the moral degeneracy of suburban middle-class life. Lynch spent much of his childhood in the woods of eastern Washington and was well aware of the devastation brought against the local tree octopus populations by the twisted, fetishistic desires of the suburbs.)

Eventually, shrinking numbers of redcedar octopus combined with inexpensive mass-produced synthetic velvets available on the burgeoning global market led to the pelt trade becoming unprofitable -- narrowly saving T. pilosa from extinction.

UPDATE 2007-01-01: Marc sent another picture showing a breeding colony of "Cedar Pus", as locals call them.

The Monorailist

An Open Letter To Ahmadinejad

The Monorailist | 2006-12-18.8160 LMT | Monorail Danger | Politics | Letters

Dear Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

It was with great interest that I read your recent reaffirmation of your stirring call for Iran to join the elite group of nations who embrace that most significant and world-changing invention wrought by Man's ingenuity: the Monorail.

When you became Mayor of Tehran you championed Monorailism over various polyrailistic heresies and the perniciousness of Arailism. While timid Luddites like Ali-Asghar Ardakanian of the Transport Engineering Society -- that sad little nest of errant orthodoxy! -- were disparaging the Iranian people by saying that they did not have the advanced knowledge necessary to operate and maintain a system of Monorails, you proudly proclaimed that Iran had within her the strength of will to gain that knowledge. If you, born to a family of lowly blacksmiths mindlessly hammering away at the wheel-hubs of paleotransportation, could uplift yourself to Monorail Consciousness by becoming a doctor of Transport Engineering, then surely the Iranian people could similarly be uplifted into the Ultramodern World of the Monorail!

Unlike your mayoral predecessor Shahrestani, who 30 years ago succumbed to the cramped negativity of the so-called "experts" and gave up his dream of a monorailed Tehran, you boldly denounced those who opposed that dream as being engaged in "political and press games" and vowed to "continue to implement this modern project in cooperation with the private sector". And implement it you did!

This singular boldness that is the defining trait of we Monorailists was undoubtedly the key to your winning the Presidency of Iran, and with it a popular mandate to expand the Iranian Monorail System from its humble beginnings running between the Mehrabad International Airport and Sadeghieh Square to an all-encompassing railwork binding together Iran in the concrete embrace of the Future.

But your lack of focus on the crucial monorail issue in your term as President has clearly hurt you, leading to the embarrassing rebuke in the polls that you suffered on Friday. Your administration has gone off the rail, squandering its mandate to Monorailize on unfruitful confrontations with the West. A change is unavoidable if there is any hope of seeing Iran's Monorail Destiny fulfilled.

The reaffirmation of your core principle was a good start, but you need to do more than just talk -- you need to take decisive action: Work to free the Tehran Monorail from the malaise of the current mayorship, which has seen it fall into a state of disuse. Nationalize it if you must, but by all means the monorail must run! Divert research efforts from mere nuclear energy to nuclear-powered maglev monorails. Take the cause of Monorailism to the streets and let those poor ground-traveling souls know that there is a higher form of transport that they could be experiencing. All these things and more are within your power if only you would will them.

Finally, tilt less at the windmills of Zionism and instead rally your people against the real shared threat to our world today: The Global Automobilist Conspiracy. I am certain that they are the ones behind the recent suspicious maglev accidents as well as the troubles with my own beloved Seattle Monorail. (FACT: nearly all of those responsible for tabulating the ballot measure in 2005 that doomed the Seattle Monorail Project were known Automotorists. As brutal dictator and automobile manufacturer Joseph Stalin once said: "It's not the people who vote that count. It's the people who count the votes.") Don't let Iran come under their smoggy sway.

It shames me to admit that we in the West have been embarrassingly slow to adopt the Monorail as our native mode of transportation. This is your chance to put Iran in the forefront of the Monorailist Revolution, and thereby spur a global race to monorailize all nations. Let us not bicker away our energies on zero-sum confrontations, but instead unite ourselves in mutually embettering competition to see who can build the fastest, the longest, the most transcendent monorails that have ever graced our planet. We welcome the challenge with all the good sportsmanship that befits this most civilized form of transport.

However, beyond mere rivalry, I firmly believe that the Monorail will bring Humanity closer together. Whether Western or Eastern, Muslim or Jew, Palestinian or Israeli, Electromagneticist or Permanent-Magneticist, when we ride on the monorail we are all of us on the same track heading together toward Unity.

With sincerest regards,
The Monorailist

UPDATE: Ahmadinejad Boldly Responds

Lyle Zapato

Belgium Split In Two

Lyle Zapato | 2006-12-14.3770 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Technology | Politics

News out of "Belgium":


RTBF reporter simulation as seen from within the Belgian construct.

An apparent glitch in the Brussels Beast on Wednesday briefly caused the Flanders and Wallonia servers to split, leaving many of the kidnap victims that are hooked into the massive Belgium simulation via the neural interfaces of their Citizen Pods to believe that Belgium had become two independent nations instead of one nonexistent one.

Belgium Conspiracy system administrators quickly reacted by first reestablishing the server connections, then blaming the whole incident on a media "spoof". Citizen memories have been revised to be consistent with this lie.

Some Belgium Conspiracy watchers suspect that this incident was actually a trial run for establishing a separate Belgium server location -- possibly under the new Disneyland being planned in Shanghai, a city with a mature infrastructure for kidnapping people and pressing them into service. This location would help expand the Conspiracy's activities in Asia, but because of the large bandwidth needed to maintain the Belgian illusion, latency between such distant servers would require limiting access across the two Belgian "regions" using a contrived "national border". (Latency considerations are suspected to be one of the main reasons for the language and cultural barriers originally built into the simulation back when the Brussels Beast ran on primitive Univac hardware.)

Investigators theorize that the incident may have been designed to test the citizens' implanted nationalistic subroutines, as many of those assigned to Flemish nodes spontaneously took to the streets waving flags. (During the Conspiracy's clean-up, these citizens were implanted with memories that they were merely actors hired by a public television station as part of the "spoof".)

Besides access to Asia, another reason the Conspiracy may be looking to establish a new server location is space. Insiders report that the vault under Euro-Disneyland where the Belgian citizens are being stored is quickly filling up with kidnapped anti-NWO agitators, kept in check only by the vault's dreaded black mold infestation, which has been consuming an estimated 5% of the pod-bound prisoners annually.

The Philatelist

Stamp Nook: Pytlicek Retiring

The Philatelist | 2006-12-07.1115 LMT | Philately

Good Morning. This breaking-news edition of Stamp Nook brings a shocking announcement from the competitive world of philatelic exhibiting.

In a fitting follow-up to his wins at the first World Philately Championships in Singapore in 2004, world-champion Czech philatelist Ludvik Pytlicek took two gold medals in Monte Carlo over the weekend, beating out rivals Queen Elizabeth II and hometown-favourite Prince Albert II.

Pytlicek won gold for his collection -- the largest of its kind -- of Czechoslovakian stamps from the country's formative years of 1918-1939. However, his most impressive win was for a unique telegram -- which Pytlicek narrowly won at auction 15 years ago -- announcing the triumphant arrival of the first Czechoslovak President, Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk, to his newly-founded state. This Czech national treasure, which bares a 10-heller scout stamp and was delivered on November 21, 1918 by scout couriers from the southern borders of Bohemia to the National Committee in Prague, handily beat Prince Albert's topical collection of kitty cats, charming as it was.

These wins bring Pytlicek's career total to 20 gold medals, with a collection valued by foreign insurers at over 100 million crowns -- securing him a place in the Philately Hall of Fame upon his death.

But crowds were shocked when, shortly after winning, Pytlicek announced his intention to retire from competitive stamp exhibiting, citing concern for his collection's safety: 'Stamps suffer when displayed, mainly light harms them. Moreover, I fear for them and their transportation is difficult.'

This surprising announcement comes as the ten-year embargo on the exhibition of Czechoslovakia's rarest stamp, the only 1919 Austrian reprint known in existence, expired in September. Pytlicek, who is in possession of the stamp, had promised to exhibit it in Monaco next year, but now the world's ability to view this rarity is uncertain.

The stamp world is abuzz with questions: Will Pytlicek retire before his full potential as a stamp exhibitor is reached, leaving philatelic historians to wonder what might have been? Will this decision jeopardise Pytlicek's chances for a lucrative 3SY endorsement deal, or will it only increase his marketable mystique? Will the power-vacuum created by Pytlicek's bowing out finally give Prince Albert the opportunity to attain the recognition from the stamp-collecting community that he has so desperately desired, allowing him to live up to the philatelic legacy of his father Prince Rainier III, or will the shadow of Pytlicek's undefeatedness loom over His Serene Highness's every win like an accusation of forgery? Stay with Stamp Nook for news in this developing story.

Until then, happy philateling!

Lyle Zapato

Levitating Islands

Lyle Zapato | 2006-11-25.5300 LMT | Technology | Nature | Lost Worlds | General Paranoia

ecoEnquirer reports: Levitating Islands in Bermuda Triangle Observed by Spy Satellite. While ecoEnquirer is at a loss to explain this phenomena -- and the usual suspects aren't forthcoming -- I have two possible theories:

  1. Hyperinventor St. Clair, who is a resident of Puerto Rico (one of the points of the Bermuda Triangle), has been quiet recently. Perhaps he is working on a new patent application that will allow individuals or small groups engaged in Chi Kung breathing to create a harmonic Chi resonance, possibly by following a simple flowchart or instructional diagram, thus enabling large masses to be levitated.
  2. The US Navy is testing their superconducting belt technology on a larger scale, possibly as a means to replace aircraft carriers with flying island airbases capable of traveling back in time and stopping the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Whatever the cause, we can say for certain that the phenomena has caught the attention of the giant white arrows patrolling the Caribbean; let us just hope it doesn't displease them.

(Via Reality Carnival)

Lyle Zapato

The Six Million Dollar Killer Bee

Lyle Zapato | 2006-11-19.2660 LMT | Black Helicopters | Technology | NWO

The conditioning of the populace to the coming nanobiotechnological regime continues...

On Friday it was revealed to the general public that Israel is "developing" (as if more-advanced forms of the technology weren't already deployed) an insect-sized robot for use in chasing, spying on, and assassinating targets. The researchers promise that in three years it will be ready to navigate narrow alleyways in search of militants.

While they claim it uses only nanotechnology, they're calling it a "Bionic Hornet". Bionics, as those familiar with the 1970s are aware, is the integration of mechanical and electronic technology within biological organisms. Advances in the state of the art have long ago eliminated the telltale "da-na-na-na" sound that made bionically enhanced organisms unable to operate covertly among us, so this technology has been widely deployed among NWO operatives.

But is this Bionic Hornet really bionic -- that is, an insect with bionically integrated military systems -- or just a misnamed nanomechanical hymenopteroid? The answer is moot since the entire Bionic Hornet program is a calculated subterfuge designed only to further the NWO's agenda through memetic engineering.

The memetic pathway is simple: First, they want the public to welcome tiny robot buddies that protect us from the terrorists; next, they want the public in a state of whimsical bemusement at the thought of bees with lasers integrated into them; finally, the public will be made accepting of the complete merging of life and artifice that is nanobiotechnology.

It is then that the swarms of nanobiotechnological black helicopters come out of hiding to begin openly patrolling our neighborhoods looking for anti-NWO agitators. Prepare yourself.

(Via Bulldada Newsblog.)

Lyle Zapato

Certifiably Liminal?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-11-11.1996 LMT | Technology | Mind Control | General Paranoia | Crass Commercialism

Have you ever downloaded pirated MP3s from the Internet? If you are like a large segment of the Interpublic, you have. "What harm can come of it?", you have no doubt asked yourself rhetorically, "I take precautions!" But consider this: You wouldn't run pirated software from sketchy sources on your computer for fear of getting viruses, so why would you run pirated music on your brain? By listening to ill-gotten music -- even from paranoid artists you trust -- you are potentially exposing your brain to pirate-added cerebrosonic viruses!

With this very real threat in mind (hopefully not literally), Timothy Raymond Cronin has a simple, patent-pending solution for record labels wishing to dissuade piracy while foregoing unworkable DRM schemes: "Certified protection from subliminal content for recordings".

Record labels can add value, Cronin claims, to authentic, non-pirated music files by certifying them free of subliminal messages. By downloading a legally purchased song from the label's preferred digital distributor, customers can be made to rest assured that listening to it won't turn them into some Manchurian Candidate or cult member. Would-be pirates will think twice before hitting the P2P networks as they become trained to view every unauthorized song copy as a potential vector of subliminal enslavement.

Although it addresses a paranoid concern, Cronin's devious business method has a serious orthonoidic flaw: Who certifies that the label's certification is honest? Since the RIAA branch of the New World Order is known to add cerebrosonics to their music and music players, all this certification would certify is that listeners would be victims of only RIAA mind-control plots. While that does take some of the guess work out of who their puppet masters will be, it doesn't really add much value to the consumer.

Given the obviousness of this flaw, I fear that Cronin isn't acting out of good faith toward the paranoid community and is merely trying to manipulate nascent paranoia in the general public for either profit or mind games.

Lyle Zapato

Solving Global Warming While Teleporting Broth

Lyle Zapato | 2006-11-10.8200 LMT | Technology

Robert W. Beckwith is a modern renaissance man: inventor, electrical engineer, entrepreneur, artist. At his business site, Beckwith Electric Co. Inc., you can buy both a variety of advanced electronics and prints of his paintings. He also heads Beckwith Electric Research, which "conducts research at the forefront of present-day engineering, physics and beyond". He has a number of patent applications in the pipeline, but I want to point out his two most recent and interesting*:

"Superconducting carbon 12 atomic strings and methods of manufacture of cables containing parallel strings" describes high-temperature super­conductor wires that can be used for lossless electric power transmission and distribution, promising a savings of as much as $100 billion per year and a reduction in Global Warming.

The technology can also be used in a Storm Energy Reducing System (SERS) that would reduce the destruction caused by hurricanes. This would work by having a carbon superconducting belt laid on edge on the ground with a vertical steel pipe drawing energy from storm clouds. Besides regional storm abatement, Beckwith thinks SERS can be installed along the Equator to balance the Earth's heat loss by generating controlled storms, reversing the effects of climate change. While this is technologically doable, he cautions: "The most serious problem is in obtaining release of security by the National Security Agency or other agencies responsible for such action. Humans and others may block this release." (Unfortunately, he doesn't elaborate on what these "others" may be, leaving us to fear the worst.)

In explaining SERS technology, Beckwith reveals the startling truth that the US Navy has been using superconducting belts to make their ships capable of levitation, teleportation and time travel. While the extent of deployment of this technology throughout the fleet is uncertain, Beckwith knows firsthand that it's being used in the Osprey class of wooden-hulled mine-hunter ships, in particular the USS Cardinal (MHC-60):

Mrs. Beckwith and I visited the Cardinal as members of a group of about 30 that were the first aboard on Sunday morning, Armed Forces Weekend, 1998. We had spent Saturday at McDill Air base in Tampa looking at airplanes and saw a small notice of the inspection trip that we attended on Sunday.

In first touring the Savannah, an ocean going wooden hulled minesweeper, we were told 'wait until you see the Cardinal, that's where all the action is'. The Cardinal and other mine warfare ships of the Osprey class were known throughout the Navy as the most choice assignment in the Navy.

When invited aboard the Cardinal, the capabilities of the ship were made public. We were told that on Friday they were busy in the Persian Gulf. Sometime overnight they 'blinked', ie teleported to Tampa Bay and from there traveled on the surface to the Tampa Navy dock. The mission control officer, Lieutenant Joe. Sinninger, showed us his flat panel display with a one line diagram of the surrounding area and an Icon showing the Cardinal's position. He said that the action was the same as during training and that the only way that he knew that they had changed position from the Persian gulf was when his display 'blinked' from one showing the Persian Gulf to the one that we saw showing the position at the Tampa Navy dock. Moreover, he said that Monday morning they would blink to a port in Japan where they were to clear some mines.

A cabinet, said to contain their positioning computer, separated the mission control officer from the operations and maintenance officer. The maintenance officer told us that sometimes they had to bring a new form of mine up and stow it in a container on deck.

The ARVN (Automatic Retrieval Vehicle Navy), is a highly automated tethered submarine. ARVNs are outlined under odd page numbers of the Reference 1 MHC Commissioning booklet. A second device, outlined under even page numbers, is used to bring mines up for taking back to base for reverse engineering. He said their operation became dicey when they had to use one of the second devices to bring a mine on deck. They had to go to the visible, real time, mode while on deck with unfriendlies bearing down on them in gunboats. Whenever possible they blinked ahead a bit in time where others couldn't see them since they were not there yet.

The ARVN driver said that he could disassemble a sophisticated mine and set an explosive to blow it up. Mines were designed to be exploded and reset themselves for further destructive explosions.

Various crew members told the group of the danger that would exist if they had anything made of iron in their clothing. A staple or paper clip could be deadly, propelled by the high magnetic field through their bodies when they teleported to a new position.

In a trip below deck we went past an assembly of cabinets each the size of a double refrigerator. The cabinet was marked 'Marconi Degausing Equipment'. An LED on the panel was labeled 'Teleportation Mode'. It was, of course, unlighted at the time.

...

Before leaving the ship at the end of our visit I remarked is to Commander Sheehan that no attempt was made to hide their ability to become invisible and to teleport long distances around the world. His response was that there was no need not to tell the truth since most people did not believe what they were told!

(The BECI store has a copy of the USS Cardinal Commissioning Ceremony book on CD, for those interested.)

But Beckwith isn't content to leave "blinking" to the Military; he wants to commercialize teleportation. In his patent application for "infinite speed space communications using information globes", he explains what is known about teleportation:

It is common knowledge that strong rotating magnetic fields are used to enclose stealth ships and space craft in their own divided space, free from universal space. Once the separation is made, teleportation to another location can be made in essentially zero time. Personnel on the ships or space craft suffer no changes whatsoever so long as they have no iron or other magnetic material in their clothing that can move dangerously in the large magnetic fields used to accomplish teleportation.

He then proposes a test to see if this technology could be used for practical communications:

This inventive apparatus is intended for use in determining whether communications at nearly infinite speed is possible by teleporting globes of air or other gas contained in divided spaces from a first location to a second location.

If this test works, Beckwith sees a number of uses for the technology, including: real time communications between the Earth, the Moon, and Mars at 900 mb/s via frequency shift keyed (FSK) coding; a secure communication channel between two parties with no possibility of man-in-the-middle attack; and the ability to beam breathable air and nutritious "broth vapor" to space stations.

While that last ability gives his technology an advantage over the Davy Tachyon Transceiver -- which is completely incapable of transmitting piping-hot soup gas to our brave stationauts manning their frigid outposts -- it falls short of St. Clairian hyperspace technology, which can communicate in real time across the galaxy and enfold a whole plate of toast. However, if Beckwith can develop his teleportation globe technology so that it can send solid -- or at least proper liquid -- food, I think he'll have a real winner.

(* Beckwith resubmitted his patent applications multiple times with only minor differences; above I refer to the most recent submission as of this posting.)

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: TELEPATHY WITH HUMANS!?!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-11-03.1300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Crass Commercialism

OH, FOR HOWLING OUT LOUD...

Sasquatch Speaks™
The Spirit of Sasquatch
Telepathic Communication Sessions
with Sasquatch
Facilitated by
KATHLEEN JONES
Interspecies Communicator and
Shamanic Practitioner
Applegate, Oregon

The wisdom now being shared by Sasquatch is pivotal in shepherding the humans through the upcoming changes on the planet Earth we all share.

Human KATHLEEN gets other foolish Humans to barter with her by claiming that she can TELEPATHICALLY HOWL with a Sasquatch family that lives near her in the Siskiyou Mountains:

To communicate with Sasquatch, [KATHLEEN] must go into the sacred place on her property. She detects their presence and their smell, which she describes as earthy. Soon her mind fills with their thoughts, which she writes down verbatim. For most folks she charges $95 an hour for a telephone consultation.

She then MAKES UP A BUNCH OF GIBBERSQUEAK about "LIVING IN LIGHT" and claims she is quoting what Sasquatch think! DO NOT PUT HOWLS IN SASQUATCH MOUTHS!!! Yeah, sure, I DO blame Humans for everything... BUT NOT IN THAT WAY!!!

ALSO she claims she can "journey to non-ordinary reality with Sasquatch to obtain guidance and wisdom on your behalf" and "facilitate a soul retrieval in non-ordinary reality on your behalf with the powerful assistance of Sasquatch"! Why would any self-respecting Sasquatch want to visit "non-ordinary reality" -- WHEREVER THAT IS!!! -- with some LOONY HUMAN to help SOME OTHER LOONY HUMAN on the TELEPHONE who has LOST THEIR GHOST!?! What kind of LITCHEN is KATHLEEN SNORTING!?!

HUMANS, HEAR MY HOWL: JUST KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY WITH THE CONDESCENDING MYSTICAL MUMBO-JUMBO!!! We don't want to HOWL TELEPATHICALLY to you, or be your SPIRIT GUIDES, or FETCH THINGS FOR YOU IN LA-LA-LAND, or EMPOWER YOUR CHAKRAS, or WHATEVER it is you WEIRDOS believe in! All we want is for you to STOP SPYING ON US AND LEAVE US ALONE!!!

While KATHLEEN'S CONDESCENSION FILLS ME WITH RAGEFUL ANNOYANCE, I do like her slogan:

"SASQUATCH OPENING HEARTS, ONE HUMAN AT A TIME"

Not as SATISFYING as delimbing, but I guess it'll WORK too! And speaking of Humans whose HEARTS SHOULD BE RIPPED OPEN, here's perverted snitch TODD STANDING:

"I will reveal to the world everything I know about these animals, everything the natives have known for generations - about how they've been evading us, and why we must enact legislation to protect them," Standing said.

He and two research colleagues claim to have hair samples from the animal, and footage of a seven-foot-tall creature weighing approximately 400 lbs. running through the mountains.

"It's a great ass-shot," Standing said. "You can see glutes, hamstring and calf muscle. It's in motion and it moves very fast."

CAN'T A SASQUATCH GO FOR A JOG WITHOUT HIS ASS ENDING UP IN A DOCUMENTARY!?!