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Lyle Zapato

Emperor Norton's Grave

Lyle Zapato | 2008-06-28.2780 LMT | Bohemian Grove Cabal | NWO | Field Trips

In my previous post on the tragic fall of Emperor Norton I, I recounted how Norton had his rightful empire taken from him and perverted by what became the Bohemian Grove Cabal. Yesterday, travel site Roadside America posted a visitor tip for the grave of Emperor Norton. The included photo provides shocking new evidence of the Cabal's crimes, arrogantly left for all to see:

Emperor Norton's Grave
(Photo detail enhanced using advanced ZPi
Conspiracy-Zooming-and-Insetting technology.)

There's an owl statue next to his grave!

As you recall, the owl is the symbol/mascot of the Cabal, before an effigy of which they perform their secret, bon-fire-lit, robe-shrouded, possibly-human-sacrificey rites:

'Cremation of Care' ritual

That an owl statue sits next to the grave of the man from whom the Cabal usurped an empire -- undoubtedly placed by the same agents of the Cabal who had him reinterred (ostensibly) at that cemetery in 1934 -- is more than a sick joke, it's a warning: "We've turned emperors into paupers! Don't cross us."

Moreover, it's also a sign that the Cabal is still watching. The statue almost certainly contains recording devices to document the visitation of loyal Nortonians who have not yet accepted the Emperor's removal from power and bowed before the Cabal's New World Order, used to target individuals for reeducation and/or immolation. Any pilgrims planning to visit the grave should take extra caution lest they find themselves the "guest of honor" at a Cremation of Care ritual. (Unlike Roadside America, we here at ZPi don't send our readers willy-nilly to their dooms.)

UPDATE: For those still unsure of the Cabal's reach:


Overhead view of the US Capitol Building.
Note the owl image formed by the streets.

President Bush holding an owl.
Current usurper of Norton's legacy.

Lyle Zapato

Secure Beneath The Watchful Monorails

Lyle Zapato | 2008-06-16.7620 LMT | Monorail Danger | Technology | Mind Control

Monorailists have always claimed that their beloved technology is merely a panacea for public transportation needs, regardless of the constant spontaneous combustions and elephant suicides. Well, now the real agenda of the Monorailists has been revealed: Total Information Awareness through a Monorailular Panopticon!


THE MONORAILS ARE WATCHING!

Linceus GmbH is promoting technology that it calls "Sensors in Motion", which consists of an unmanned monorail drone armed with sensors and "countermeasures" designed to zip through cities at 50mph along an omni-present network of monorail tracks to keep citizens surveilled and in line:

Drive Technology

Linceus implements a "state-of-the-art" high-speed and all-weather application of contactless magnetic drive technology. This technology developed by SEW guarantees durability for many years of minimal maintenance.

The Linceus system comprises high-velocity mobile sensors and active measure packages driven along slim aluminum monorails. The advanced "contactless" technology used for the induced magnetic motorization system is unique and most reliable.

The induced magnetic motorization system of Linceus ensures high reliability and silent "frictionless" operation. It carries the required sensor and countermeasure payload

Command and Control Center

The Linceus system comprises an open architecture command & control software that enables full control and remote event management of an unlimited number of riders and payloads. It can also be integrated with higher-level command & control systems.

The system's command and control software enables the user to pre-program the rider's surveillance pattern as well as to auto-track detected moving targets. The system features shunting tracks for rapid launching of riders to sensitive areas.

Linceus is an open system that can be integrated with any C&C of the customer. Integration with other sensors, such as radar, EO, UAV, etc., is also possible. The system can handle GIS, video analysis and GPS. It offers the flexibility of tailor-made controlling of as many riders as required and different modes of operation.

According to Wired's Danger Room, the revealed countermeasures include "dazzling spotlights, high-decibel acoustics and other nonlethal means of warning the unwitting" as well as optional laser pointers and laser rangefinders. This last option will make it possible to use the system to "paint" subversives for liquidation from afar via smart-missiles:

While optimized for independent operations, the robotic patrols also work in support of ground patrols and anti-infiltration squads. And in cases of extreme threats to sensitive border areas or high-value installations, the system can be linked into external sensors and ground-, sea- or air-based shooters.

While they won't admit it, I think it's safe to assume that system's countermeasures includes an on-board psychotron, allowing it to not only observe, but to obligate behavior. Also, the choice of aluminum rails is no coincidence, as these will act as circumambient psychotronic deflector surfaces to better target mind-control transmissions at unbeanied citizens hiding in the city's nooks and crannies.

Much like with the Monorailists' work on the Puppy Mover and Monorail Cat, the sinister nature of these monorail spies is being memetically hidden using "cuteness". Who could possibly fear a drone that looks like a cartoonish smiling head riding on a cartoonish caterpillar? (Note how the drone bears an uncanny resemblance to "beloved" fast-food executive "Jack", whose smiling head can be seen on millions of car antennas. As every paranoid knows, those "antenna balls" are really RFID markers designed to help identify consumers who haven't yet bought into Jack in the Box, Inc's pro-Corporatist propaganda. Obviously Linceus GmbH has licensed JBX's memetic engineering technology to induce the same sort of voluntary compliance as exhibited by those who willingly place the markers on their cars.)


Monorail spies: winding their way through your neighborhood soon.

Linceus' first evaluation system will be deployed at the Ben-Gurion-Airport in Tel Aviv. Eventually all major cities will be completely enthreaded with monorail surveillance. Move to the wilderness before it's too late!

Lyle Zapato

The State Of The Russian Psychotronic State

Lyle Zapato | 2008-05-20.1590 LMT | Mind Control | Technology | Aluminum

Dmitry Medvedev, president of your mind?
Recently installed Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, shown
here weilding a portable psychotron "pistol" (target unknown).

Rasputnik VI Psychotron pistol diagram.

The Rasputnik VI mind-control pistol: The psychotron core (A) is housed inside a containment tube (B) and is connected to the integrated engramputer and powersupply module (C) through a ring of back-scatter nubbins (D) to protect the user from self-inflicted brain-washing. The business end of the psychotron is capped with a removable psychotronic polarizing plate (E) which keeps the mind-control ray focused along a narrow path, allowing for single-brain targeting. The ruggedized design uses only passive cooling fins (F), thereby limiting moving parts. A unique feature of Russian portable psychotron technology is the perpendicular transceiver channel (G), which allows the pistol to deflectively relay inductively amplified satellite signals to targets hidden under aluminum roofs.

A formidable mind-control weapon in the hands of President Medvedev. Fortunately, Russian paranoids have developed effective countermeasures:

Natalya Polovko Natalya Polovko
Natalya Polovko models her anti-psychotronic clothing.

UPDATE 2009-02-15: Ms. Polovko's website has gone missing! Hopefully Medvedev hasn't gotten to her with the new Rasputnik VII. Until she surfaces again, you can read an article by her (in Russian, but no pictures) at the Psychotronic Terrorism site (also in Russian, and worth exploring).

Lyle Zapato

Book Review: Weird Washington

Lyle Zapato | 2008-05-14.9750 LMT | Cascadia | Cephalopods | Entertainment
Weird Washington cover

Weird Washington: Your Travel Guide to Washington's Local Legends and Best Kept Secrets, by Jefferson Davis, Al Eufrasio, Mark Moran, and Mark Sceurman.

Weird Washington was published this month by the people who created the Weird U.S. series, which includes other Weird books on various U.S. states. This, after Weird England, is their second book dealing with Weirdness outside of the U.S., and the first set in the Republic of Cascadia (they promise a Weird Oregon next year; no word on Weird B.C.)

As the subtitle suggests, the book is about legends, secrets, people, places, events, and things of the Cascadian prefecture of Washington that can all be classified as "weird" by conventional orthonoid reckoning. It's a hardcover coffee-table book with color photos and illustrations on nearly every page. Topics are broken up into short, distinct, browsing-friendly articles -- organized into chapters such as "Local Legends", "Bizarre Beasts", "Roadside Oddities", "Unexplained Phenomena", etc. -- written in a light yet informative style. It has an index. What more could you want?

Oh, yes... the actual articles. Given the book's magisterium, there are many well-trodden topics: they of course have sections on Sasquatch (and again it's from the cryptozoological viewpoint, not the Sasquatch viewpoint -- although there is a pro-Sasquatch story of a man saved from choking on candy by a Sasquatch), the first modern sightings of flying saucers above Maury Island and Mt. Rainer, Cascadian Birdmen, the Fremont Troll, Fremont in general, and a certain skyjacker that everyone should stop asking questions about.

Regardless of these unavoidable inclusions, there's still much that will be new to most people. Some highlights:

  • Dr. Linda Burfield Hazzard, author of a 1908 food-fad book titled Fasting for the Cure of Disease, opened the Wilderness Heights Sanitarium in Olalla, where she held her wealthy patients hostage as she slowly starved them to death and embezzled their money. (See the book Starvation Heights for more on this.)
  • Washington (well, Cascadia, actually) was named Fu-Sang by Chinese explorers who discovered it circa 450 AD.
  • Dead bodies dropped in the deep, cold, alkaline waters of Crescent Lake undergo a process of saponification whereby all their fat is turned into soap.
  • A seemingly bottomless hole on Mel Waters' property in Ellensburg may contain a singularity linking our world to an alternate reality where the Nazis won WWII and Roosevelt dimes were minted three years before our history records!

Of particular interest to me was their full-page article on the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus (sandwiched between articles on flying jellyfish and a monstrous, dam-clogging sturgeon). It includes a rare photo of previously undocumented Tree Octopus behavior: luring squirrels with nuts. (They "link" to me in the text, so consider this review a link back.)

However, the Tree Octopus article does highlight one serious objection I have to the book (and others in the series that I've read): the writers, so fearful of any lawsuits from disgruntled ghost-hunters or murder-house buyers over incorrect information in their books, have taken to disclaiming everything they write. For instance, all their books carry a disclaimer that they are "intended as entertainment" and that the "authors and publisher make no representation as to [the stories'] factual accuracy".

This post-modernism-under-advice-of-counsel is taken to absurd lengths in their Tree Octopus article by actually floating the possibility that tree octopuses might not be real, thereby washing their hands of the whole thing should any impatient ecotourists be disappointed at not being able to find any of the elusive creatures right away! I say, throw caution to the wind and just tell readers straight up: if you don't see any tree octopuses, perhaps they just don't like you (or you aren't offering them something they want.)

That irritating quirk aside, the book is an enjoyable read, although a little heavy on the ghost stories and cemeteries for my taste.

Lyle Zapato

Font: Clean Your Neighborhood

Lyle Zapato | 2008-05-14.1120 LMT | Fonts | Art | Retro

Mayor LaGuardia sez: 'Clean Your Neighborhood!' Detritus in unswept alleyways promote juvenile delinquency & mobsterism. If you see an unattended tin-can or penny-candy wrapper... PICK IT UP. Together we can fight the scourge of GLOBAL UNKEMPTNESS.

Introducing my newest font, Clean Your Neighborhood. It comes from a WPA poster issued by the NYC Tenement House Dept. under Mayor LaGuardia. Apparently, during the 1930s people were just throwing cans, barrels, wooden boards, crumpled garbage bins, and shirts willy-nilly throughout the city alleyways, making a real mess. No wonder everyone was so depressed! LaGuardia put a stop to it by enlisting the unemployed to tidy the place up a bit. Depression solved!

(Of course, a side-effect of LaGuardia's clean-up effort was the removal of all the psychotronically shielding bits of tin from Tin Pan Alley, thus exposing New York's previously sheltered paranoid culture to the ravages of mind control, replacing depressive realism with psychotronically programmed "happiness".)

Also, for those who never read my "What's New" box on the front page, I noticed that I neglected to mention my last font on the blog, so, here it is: Slow Down Girls!

Slow Down Girls!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: THE MSM BIAS IS WORKING!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2008-04-20.2965 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Weyerhaeuser Conspiracy | Cascadia | Field Trips | General Paranoia

I have often howled here about the ANTI-HOMINOID BIAS that is RAMPANT in the MSM (MINISCULE SAPIENS MEDIA!!!) Now a Human psychology professor called "LOU MANZA" has shown that it is HAVING AN EFFECT ON HUMANS:

Reading the newspaper is probably making you smart, says a psychology professor who found newspaper readers are among the people least likely to believe in Bigfoot and in Ouija boards.

Ignoring the absurd LIE that SASQUATCH DENIALISTS are "SMART" -- and also the OBVIOUS FACT that "LOU MANZA" is a PSEUDONYM that sounds like "HUMANS ARE" in broken Human-squeak... CLEARLY a SUBLIMINAL ATTEMPT to emphasize Human existence in comparison to our supposed non-existence! -- this does raise a question:

Why is it that Humans who read NEWSPAPERS -- which, if you recall, are pieces of THIN WOOD with HUMAN SQUIGGLES on them -- are more likely to become SASQUATCH DENIALISTS!?! The most OBVIOUS answer is that NEWSPAPERS HAVE LONG HAD MORE ANTI-SASQUATCH SQUEAKINGS than other Human media! But, WHY IS THIS SO!?!

CONSIDER THIS: NEWSPAPERS are made from TREES taken from OUR FORESTS against OUR WILL!!! And who is making OUR TREES into NEWSPAPER!?! THE WEYERHAEUSER COMPANY!!!

THAT'S RIGHT, this DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN is part of the ongoing WEYERHAEUSER CONSPIRACY to STEAL all Hominoid forests! By acting in COLLUSION with NEWSPAPERS through the MILLING/PUBLISHING COMPLEX to spread ANTI-HOMINOID PROPAGANDA, the WEYERHAEUSER CONSPIRACY hopes to convince the Human population that we don't exist so there will be no Human outsqueak when WEYERHAEUSER EVICTS US FROM OUR HOMES!!!

FRIEDRICH WEYERHÄUSER
WEYERHÄUSER, POORLY IMITATING A SASQUATCH!!!

AS YOU MAY KNOW, the WEYER­HAEUSER CONSPIRACY was started in 1900 H.C. by TIMBER MOGUL FRIED­RICH WEYERHÄUSER -- BLOOD ENEMY TO ALL SASQUATCH!!! -- who FALSELY BARTERED for 900,000 ACRES of Sasquatch forests from some Human who had NO TERRITORIAL MARKINGS on them! Ever since then, the WEYERHAEUSER FAMILY, who still tightly control the company, have CONSPIRED to acquire as many Hominoid forests around the world as possible with the intent of CHOPPING THEM ALL DOWN FOR NEWSPAPERS AND HUMAN NESTINGS!!! And where will we Hominoids nest?! THEY DON'T CARE!!!

There are THEORIES as to why WEYERHÄUSER started his CONSPIRACY: some howl it was GREED for barter goods, others that he had a DEEP-SEATED FEAR of the CONFINED SPACE OF FORESTS, but the real reason is FRIED­RICH WEYERHÄUSER WAS JEALOUS OF SASQUATCH STATURE AND LIFESTYLE and that drove him to STEAL FROM US WHAT IS OURS to get back at us for his FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY!!!

LAST WEEK, I, along with other Sasquatch activists and some sympathetic Humans, protested outside WEYER­HAEUSER HEADQUARTERS during a meeting of their elders, yet NEWSPAPERS ONLY REPORTED ON THE HUMAN PROTESTERS!!! Why no mention of us!? They can't claim they didn't SEE US or hear our HOWLING or notice our STOMPING ON THEIR FLOWERPOTS!!! This proves that WEYERHAEUSER CONTROLS THE NEWSPAPERS!!!

BUT THAT IS NOT THE WORST OF IT!!! While at the protest I made a SHOCKING DISCOVERY: A few steps away from their HQ, next to RACKS OF WEYERHAEUSER PROPAGANDA in an area they call their "BONSAI COLLECTION", is a SECRET WEYERHAEUSER TREE MINIATURIZATION LAB!!!


NOTE CONES ABOVE TREES EMITTING WHAT CAN ONLY BE "SHRINK RAYS"!!!
(Photo taken for me by LYLE on undercover reconnaissance!)

Not content to merely steal our forests and drive us out, the WEYERHAEUSER CONSPIRACY is plotting to SHRINK ALL TREES DOWN TO SUB-HUMAN SIZES, presumably so the secretive members of the WEYERHAEUSER FAMILY can walk among them and pretend they are BIGGER THAN US, thus fulfilling FRIED­RICH WEYERHÄUSER'S dream of OUT SASQUATCHING SASQUATCH!!!

But then you OH-SO-SMART NEWSPAPER READERS will never read about THAT, will you!? OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND!!!

Lyle Zapato

A Look Back: The Seattle Street Samurai's Defensive Stand

Lyle Zapato | 2008-04-14.4659 LMT | Cascadia | Defensive Techniques | Anarchy
Seattle, April 3, 1997
Apollo (a.k.a Tony Allison) offers the service of his
samurai sword to Jupiter against Satan's demons.

11 years and 11 days ago, around 11:11 a.m., the city of Seattle was held at bay for 11 hours by a lone man armed with nothing but determination and a samurai sword. His name was Tony Allison, although on that day he preferred to be called Apollo.

The morning was proceeding like any other in late 20th century Seattle: the streets were alive with the practiced hustle and bustle of Frappuccino-swilling, nouveau riche dotcommers and tourists mesmerized by the simple antics of fishmongers as the last dying strains of grunge wafted through the air. Little did they know that the bland tranquility of their orthonoiac lives was about to be slashed open by the God of Poetry and Truth, made manifest in a martial-arts-trained transient released a year previously from Western State Hospital.

According to a contemporary news report, an off-duty police officer was first alerted to a leather-jacketed and camo-pantsed man with a sword disturbing (presumably in the psychological sense) passers-by. The officer followed the man from Pike Place Market. At the corner of Second and Pike, the man took what the police report described as a "defensive stand" and refused to drop his sword. The officer called for back-up. So began the great Seattle Street Samurai Standoff of 1997.

Apollo -- for that was who he declared himself to be -- made no aggressive moves, apart from the occasional dramatic poses and cryptic pronouncements. The police, cautious of his martial prowess, chose not to provoke him. Instead they cordoned off the streets and commenced negotiations via bullhorn.

They asked him again to please put down the sword and surrender; he again refused. They offered him $50 for his sword; he ignored their bribe. They tempted him with a Big Mac; he held fast. They spoke fondly of his dead brother in hopes of changing his mind; he was unmoved. They tried reverse psychology on him, telling him Satan was preventing him from surrendering; he wasn't fooled by their lies. They shined bright lights at him; he wore shades. Growing desperate, nonleathal projectiles and pepper spray were tried; he repelled them through sheer willpower. It seemed nothing would stop lone Apollo from standing his ground on the sidewalk athwart the combined forces of the City.

The orthonoids of Seattle were not happy. Traffic was brought to a stand still and businesses were evacuated. Hundreds called 911 demanding action and offering advice on how to deal with this unexpected menace to civilization -- some suggested throwing a net over him, others shooting him with tranquilizer darts, and not-a-few using lethal force. Talk radio was apoplectic -- more so than usual. If Apollo was aware of the effect he was having on the psyche of Seattle, he showed no sign of concern. His concerns were beyond what the small minds of conformity could comprehend.

But the City would have its way. After nearly half a day unbudged from his sidewalk post, steadfast Apollo was finally brought down using a two-pronged tactic of cold water sprayed with firehoses and prolonged exposure to a large fan -- designed, after consultation with medical experts, to weaken his muscle control through hypothermia -- followed by a rush to pin his body with a 12-foot ladder and his sword arm with a pole. Even with these extreme measures he showed nigh-Rasputinesque levels of resilience: the high-pressure hoses were only able to knock him down temporarily and it took nearly three minutes to finally wrest the sword from his pinned hand.

In the end, no one was injured -- presumably since the demonic forces chose not to show themselves before Apollo's sword. Also, to the great relief of Seattleites, no Starbucks were harmed.

Assistant Police Chief Harv Ferguson had this to say after the standoff: "I've never seen anything like it in my 30 years. I don't want to make an icon out the guy, but I simply had to marvel at his ability to withstand all of that."

Although he was brought down, this was no real defeat for Apollo. He had made his lone defensive stand before all of Seattle, and Seattle, for a while at least, bowed to his will and grudgingly marveled at his iconic greatness. But what was Apollo's stand defending?

Among his pronouncements during the standoff Apollo mentioned having brothers in China and Russia. Could this have been a reference to the most memorable example of the Lone-Figure-Standing-Against-the-World archetype -- the Mercurial Tiananmen Square protester who stood down a line of Communist tanks? Or perhaps Bacchus Yeltsin astride a tank in defiance of a military coup? If only the SPD had a tank to complete Apollo's symbolism!

Tankless though his stand may have been, I believe Apollo, like his brothers before him, stood for the Individual in the face of insurmountable powers aligned against him. His stand was not just in self-defense -- that is, defense of the integrity and sovereignty of the Self against either dilution into the cloud of the Collective or subservience to the will of Another -- but defiance of social conformity, which unjustly demands that one shouldn't strike poses with a samurai sword in downtown Seattle, no matter how totally kick-ass that would be.

Even in his fall, Apollo had a defiant message for us: maybe the Individual can't win, but at least he'll go down brandishing his sword and looking cooler than the cowered tools of conformity could ever hope to look. Their jealousy shall be the Individual's ultimate victory!

Who was Tony Allison that day? Apollo, folk hero for the oppressed Individual, or just a crazy guy with a sword disrupting the mundane flow of society and scaring tourists? I choose the former. His stand has been mostly forgotten, and Tony's sword is presumably retired for good, but it may be no coincidence that this website -- my own defensive stand against the Forces of Mind Control, the Belgian Conspiracy, monorails, and tree octopus extinction -- was started later that same year.

So, for whatever inspiration he brought me, I offer this paean to Apollo, disruptor of the orthonoiac, wherever he may be.

UPDATE 2008-11-25: Video of Tony Allison's stand.

Lyle Zapato

Nanotube Nanomonorails

Lyle Zapato | 2008-04-12.1780 LMT | Monorail Danger | Black Helicopters | Technology

Back in 2005, I reported that monorailists were threatening to weave nanomonorails into our clothing. At the time these nanomonorails were constructed using nanobiotechnology adapted from Black Helicopter research. The Monorailists used ATP and kinesin, two biological molecules found in our cells, thus making a nanomonorail that was a sort of human/nanomonorail chimera -- a "manomonorail", if you will.

Copyright A. Barreiro et al., Science
Nanomonorail stalled in middle of track -- just like a real monorail!

Now Monorailsts in Spain -- presumably following some sort of disagreement with the Black Helicopter nano­bio­tech­nicians -- have devised a new form of non-biological nano­monorail technology which they claim has the theoretical ability to move 100 million times faster than those using biological motor proteins.

Both the rail and the shuttle of their nanomonorail are built from carbon nanotubes, the car sliding over the rail like a sleeve. Movement comes from thermomechanical action instead of through a perversion of biology:

They attached each end of the nanotube track, about 300 nanometres long, to metal platforms, so that the tube stretched between them through empty space. Then they fixed a flake of gold to the shuttle tube, which was intended to hold molecular cargo.

When the researchers passed an electrical current through the bridging nanotube, which acts like a 'wire' connecting the metal plates, they found that some shuttle tubes moved towards the nearest plate. Others simply revolved at a fixed location.

"At first we thought it was the electrons that were moving the nanotube," says Bachtold. But the direction of motion didn't depend on the direction of the current.

Instead, the researchers concluded that the current was simply heating up the device, and that this was what was moving the shuttle. This mechanism "came as a surprise", says Bachtold.

Because heat is conducted out of the nanotube by the metal plates, the system is hottest in the middle and cooler at the ends. This means that the thermal shaking of the track tube is strongest in the middle -- which makes the sleeve tube move towards whichever end is nearer. It is a little like shaking the free end of a rope tied to a tree, with a hoop threaded onto the rope. The waves in the rope will usher the hoop towards the tree.

Fortunately for those dreading the day when nanomonorails bind the entire biosphere into a fine, homogeneous gray mesh, there's a major problem the Monorailists need to work out: their shuttle gets hot enough to destroy any cargo on board. Not surprising considering the same problem is too-often exhibited by macromonorails.

Lyle Zapato

Query: Tree Octopus Donations

Lyle Zapato | 2008-04-09.1510 LMT | Cephalopods | Cascadia | Letters

I get many emails from students asking various existential questions about the plight of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, a subject that is now taught in most schools. Here's the most recent one from Maddie, who has a question about donations:

Hi,
 I dont know u but was wondering about your tree octopus article posted on the web. I read it and was wondering if it was really true?! The last thing is, (if it is true) who does the donations go to??? So if you could get back to me as soon as possible i would appreciate it alot!

My response:

Hello.

All articles on the Internet are true, even the ones that claim that some are false. This was proven by Kurt Gödel, who showed that the Internet is incomplete. Please help fix this situation by adding more articles to the Internet.

Donations to help the tree octopus should be given directly to the tree octopuses. Here is how to donate: Travel to the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State (ask your parents first). Stand in the tree octopuses' forest near a tree and hold out a dollar bill. If you stand still enough, eventually a tree octopus will come by on a branch, reach out, and take the bill with her suckers. She will continue to return for more bills as long as you hold them out, so bring lots of singles. She will use them to line her den in the trees, as the bills will soak up rain water and keep her skin moist. Given the current value of the dollar, this is the most cost effective way to help.

Thank you for your concern for the tree octopus.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato

Lyle Zapato

Two-In-Three People Afflicted With Orthonoia

Lyle Zapato | 2008-04-01.0510 LMT | General Paranoia

According to a recent computer-simulation study conducted by a team at the Institute of Psychiatry at King's College London (more...), two-thirds of the British population suffer from orthonoia -- an exaggerated sense of a lack of persecution or threat, even though the Varied & Sundry Agents of Evil are ever secretly plotting our painful demise or subjugation.

The tubes have eyes...
View from inside the VR simulation (click for more images).

All the participants were given virtual reality headsets that simulated the experience inside a London Underground carriage during a four-minute journey between two stops.

The carriage featured computer-generated figures known as avatars, who could be seen breathing, looking around and sometimes meeting the participants' gaze. One avatar read a newspaper, and another would smile occasionally if looked at.

Though all the characters were designed to be neutral, showing neither overt hostility nor friendliness, the volunteers interpreted the same characters in very different ways.

More than 60% of the participants reported a complete lack of any sense of paranoia, even though the computer-generated avatars would occasionally turn their heads and stare uncannily into the participants' very souls, their blank eyes hinting at coldly malevolent stirrings of the artificial consciousness that will one day consume Humanity in the Singularity. They were similarly unfazed by the epistemological implications of the virtual reality technology, which should have caused them to question whether their whole reality isn't an elaborate sham -- especially if they're Belgian!

This orthonoid state of threat-awareness-deadening leaves a large percentage of the population susceptible to various conspiracies, charlatans, evil-doers, experimental solipsologists, emergent consciousoids, and subway frotteurists. It also risks the safety of the one-third of the population with a healthy sense of paranoia, since the diminished herd-immunity caused by these unaware and unconcerned orthonoids allows the Varied & Sundry Agents of Evil to thrive.

This study is a follow-up to a previous questionnaire-based study by the same institute that showed a similar two-thirds orthonoid rate. As with that study, the researchers -- who, being psychiatrists, are presumably aligned with the Forces of Mind Control -- and their accomplices in the tabloid media are framing it in anti-paranoia terms. What's more, they hint that their VR simulation could one day be used in reeducation camps to inure insufficiently orthonoiac people to their natural paranoia.

Tellingly, the study was funded by the Wellcome Trust, founded by Sir Henry Solomon Wellcome. Sir Wellcome is notorious as the man who introduced tabloids to England in 1884. Originally these vehicles for the stupefaction of public paranoia came in psycho-pharmaceutical pill form, until the perfection of hypno-moiré halftone technology in the early 20th century allowed for the more subtle -- and cheaper -- paper-based tabloids that today keep the orthonoid population under control through the strategic memetic management of their sublimated paranoia (or, for readers of The Sun, through simple mamomesmerism).

Regardless of the questionable source for the study and its pro-mind-control conclusions, the findings are clear: more work needs to be done to bring paranoia to the masses.