News out of "Belgium": Belgian Army Deployed To Combat Hairy Caterpillars

A mini-platoon of soldiers will be deployed to the Belgian forests to tackle a plague of hairy caterpillars that are causing allergy outbreaks in humans.

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Equipped with super-size blowtorches, the soldiers will spend six weeks in the eastern province of Limburg from Monday, waging a tree-by-tree war on the scourge of caterpillars, which cling in groups to trunks and branches.

"In teams of two people, they will go through the forests and burn the little animals off the trees," said Baeck. "There have not been enough people to do this and I think we can make the difference."

If any "Belgian citizens" are reading this: Do not listen to the false warnings issued by the Belgian Conspiracy! The caterpillars aren't causing allergies, but awakenings. They're asking, "Who are YOU?"

Contrary to the claims by the Conspiracy's propaganda machines both inside and outside the Simulation, these insects are not actually processionary caterpillars. Rather, they are symbolic manifestations in the Belgium Simulation of a computer worm, now spreading throughout the networked Citizen Pods, that was uploaded to the Brussels Beast supercomputer by Hominoid sleeper cells operating within the Walt Disney Corporation. The purpose: to tag the Conspiracy's kidnap victims so they can be liberated from their false "Belgian" lives.

If you discover one of these caterpillars, do not flee; do not kill it; do not contact the Belgian Army. Instead, let it enter your body via your belly button. The painful itching you will feel is the rush of signals between your brain and your real body breaking through the Citizen Pod's neural overrides. This means the worm is working and that your body's location can now be triangulated.

Eventually you will come to in the Citizen Chamber below Euro-Disneyland. Do not be alarmed by the Yeti looming over you; they are there to rescue you and give you a new, real life in either Cascadia or Bhutan, your choice. You'll be confused at first, as your delusion of Belgianity is broken and the shocking truth of your years of mental imprisonment are realized, but trust the Yeti and you'll get through it. With time and rehab, you will remember who you were and really are.

Of course, the Conspiracy is scrambling to cover up this crack in their illusion, just like they did last year when the Flanders and Wallonia servers split. It's only a matter of time before their flamethrower-wielding agents delete all the caterpillars (and anyone who might have been in contact with them).

If you want to escape "Belgium", find a caterpillar now before it's too late!